1. |
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I’ve been lost for 20 years
And now I feel it
Like a dam holding all of this water
Is breaking and not slowing down
Reading pages
From lost children
Writing home, nobody listens
Ontario, where were you when I needed you the most?
Cliches scrawled across old notebooks
What the fuck are you trying to say to her?
You miss her, call her and just say so
You fucking coward
Or wait for her to call first
Don’t hold your breath, don’t wait for me
I feel dead like I was shot and buried and left here
I feel sick like I was on a ship to Ellis island like his grandpa was
I am nothing but the bones that stitch my regrets
I am everything to you it seems, but nowhere close to where I need to be
Such small spaces
That we lived in
Do you miss your mother
The way she misses you?
Do you miss your father the way he doesn’t think of you?
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2. |
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Am I part of the problem
If I lie and say nothing?
Am I conscious if I am
Awake but just barely?
Is there strength in these people?
I can’t feel it like you can
Am I conscious if I am
Aware but not stopping?
I’ve been running myself in circles
With the thought that all of this is endless
I don’t wanna go to sleep tonight
If this is how I’m gonna feel tomorrow
Don’t tell me this was your first choice
You just want to be famous
Play your sad songs in old bars
Watch kids scream in a basement
I’ll just leave like my dad did
I’ll disappear when it’s time too
I’ll come back when my flock does
They’ll all ask me what to do
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3. |
Liquor Stores
03:00
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Why do I feel nervous in liquor stores and still feel like I'm 16?
Have I felt true love or am I loving to love just to know how it feels to be needed?
If I die now what the fuck do I have to show for myself?
Chorus:
Build me up, let me go, let me sleep out here alone
And if I wake up sober just let me come home
Live and die, every day, then wake up and repeat
Let me treat the ones who treated me like family like they're garbage in the street
All you do is lie
But to tell you the truth I'd rather hear that than nothing at this point
We’ll all die someday
So you're wasting your time getting wasted and acting chosen
I am fractured too
But that doesn't mean that I can't change
Do you remember things as clearly as I do?
Last year I drowned in the water I was wading through
I'm so fucking anxious that I was born to fuck up but my choices somehow lead me to you
It's not so hard if you need to come home
I became a friend you lost but I can't be alone
It’s not so hard if you wanna go home
I lost so many friends, by now it’s just all I know
“Why do I feel nervous in liquor stores?”
I don’t know why
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4. |
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Soft-spoken boy
And your shaky hands
Your panic attacks
Oh please understand
You’re not beautiful
You’re not so goddamn smart
I hate your bad tattoos
And your track mark arms
You insist I’m good
But I’m not so clean
Your music’s not so clever
We all know what it means
Snort cocaine in a dorm room
Show up late for your birthday
Live like a ghost as a freshman
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5. |
Let Me Know
03:27
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I’m a fucking superhero
I don’t know,I don’t know
Could you sit right there and just let me know
If you get bored, can’t take my shit
Get tired of living with this ominous dread in your skin
This just feels right to me
I’m not going home tonight
I’m honest
I promise
I’m a loose end, I’m a comma
I’m a run on sentence here without you
This time is what kills me
You’re a home that’s not worth leaving
Tonight I forgot everything you said to me
Let’s take away this awful silence
We created
With every dull and lifeless conversation
It’s locked up in a basement
Testing this thing that I call my patience
Nothing feels right to me
I’m not where I’m supposed to be
I’m sorry I did this
What did you expect from me?
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6. |
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Maybe I don’t understand my role in this
Maybe those drugs that I took really did what they said
Maybe all of the jokes that I make are starting to scare all my friends
I feel myself changing, my blood is just toxic
From drinking away my weekdays beginning to end
I’ve been sleeping in late
Haven’t felt so afraid
The people I trusted I trust every day
There are holes in my logic and places to see
Places I thought would look so much different to me
I’m not sad anymore, I don’t know how to act
When the people I love just can’t love me back
Cowardly pangs of guilt that guide my life
Half-hearted apologies, doled out one at a time
How many ways can I say that I feel better when I’m sober?
Say you love me if you love me
Don’t pretend that this is easy
All the things that bring you joy
Will kill you or save you or fuck up your life
You know I am not your savior
Feel alone when you know me
I am who I am when I’m so fucking angry
For reasons that I barely understand
Nobody will save you
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7. |
Therapy & Twisted Tea
01:31
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All the people who I loved are loving others
All the people who I thought would never die are dying
She said to me that my problems go so much deeper
Than therapy and twisted tea could fix together
I said to myself “good going you fucking asshole
You pissed away everyone that could stand your temper”
Your depression isn’t something you should let define you
We fell out of love faster that we could fall into it
Everybody I remember from my hometown’s living
A life of ease and everything I want but can’t get close to
It’s have a twin I haven’t talked to since we both were 18
Every time I wanna call him I just get so dizzy
I ran away from everything that I thought was scary
Thought I was so profound but I’m just ordinary
I’m getting used to the feeling that this is constant
The ever-changing, ever-growing sense of crushing longing
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8. |
Say What I Need To Hear
03:49
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Nobody told me
That being dead would be this easy
That I could walk around at night
And feel like a zombie
And nobody said
I'd wanna cut off my own head
So that the thoughts that I have, about being a dad
Could drown where they belong
And I feel a cold wind
And I see a train pass by
And for a second in time, somewhere in my mind, I think that you're inside
Chorus
So cut cut cut, cut off the excess
You are my stage-fright
You are the one that I don't need
So replace yourself with a secret admirer
Tell me you love me
Even though you don't
Just say what I need to hear
You're not as poor
As you think you are
Empty your pockets
Empty your heart
And hey if you're offering
I'll have one too
I need some courage
To do what I need to do
You are a bicycle
I am a no-legged man
You are the ocean
And I am the dried-up, rocky land
And you are innocent
And my hands are covered in blood
I'm so sorry, my love
You were just never my love
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9. |
Beneath the Ocean
04:20
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You sound desperate to be in love but you’re still waiting
For some boy to come and sweep you off your feet
Patiently you wait and stare, your fingers lost deep in his hair
You tug and pray that this one will stick
You lay dead and dream of summers by the ocean
Your cracked feet washed get away at sea
And though he went and left you and really tried to change you
You’re still the same boy that you were last week
Up and down you zig-zag over memories
Caught between the lies, trapped inside your head
Betrayed by infidelity, you lost your sense of dignity
To the boy wearing high-topped yellow shoes
What’s the problem anyway?
Is it how he speaks or how he tastes?
You dream of constellations, and he dreams beneath the ocean
So yeah you know that the problem’s here to stay
You found yourself too scared to be alone
But you feel trapped when anyone is home
You breathe in sharp and quickly, as you remember how to panic
We are all different people but I’m my own
We lay dormant deep in caves until we find someone
To give our soul to in exchange for some love
And though he dreams of things he’s lost, you really start to wonder
If you were ever gonna be enough
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10. |
Pavement
02:45
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I felt home when you held me
Your hand in my hand and the way you would sway when you heard the song that was stuck in your head
I remember when we were kids and
You turned it up loud and sang the words back
“If it makes you happy it can’t be that bad”
Chorus:
What’s worse -
The fact that you fell in love once and lost it or the fact that you’ll never fall in love the same way again?
There are monsters ahead
And you’re not equipped right now to face them
So just leave while you can and tell me that you know how to say no
You didn’t think far enough
Now your friends all outgrew you
You didn’t think hard enough
About these consequences
You said that you wanted me to
Go ahead and make these decisions
I don’t have the will to outgrow my mistakes and get better
Are you any better?
Fuck the way I feel at these funerals
Fuck the way I feel with my friends
Fuck the way we hate getting distant
Fuck the way we said til’ the end
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Why Nona Burlington, Vermont
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